Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
Money can't buy you happiness... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
And the cardiologist' s diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
LESSON: To all the rocks in your life...
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front
of him. When class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - anything that is so important to you that if it were lost, you would be devastated. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff." "If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your energy and time on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal." "Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." So how are your rocks?
RULES FOR LIFE...
Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
When you lose don't lose the lesson.
Follow the three Rs: Respect for self, Respect for others, and Responsibility for all your actions.
Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
Spend some time alone every day.
Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
Be gentle with the earth.
Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
I also know that dreams really do come true and you have my Best Wishes and my best efforts in those.
The only difference between a saint and a sinner is that every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
- Oscar Wilde
Until I accept my faults, I will most certainly doubt my virtues.
- Hugh Prather
"I wish that I could show you, when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own being"
- Hafiz, Sufi poet
Those who make the worst use of their time are the first to complain of its shortness.
- Jean de La Bruysre
Razors pain you; Rivers are damp,
Acids stain you; And drugs cause cramp,
Guns aren't lawful; Nooses give,
Gas smells awful; You might as well live.
- Dorothy Parker
The rain, it raineth on the just
And also on the unjust fella;
But mainly on the just
Because the unjust steals the just's umbrella.
- Robert Benchley
In Bill Gates' new book, Business @ The Speed of Thought, he lays out eleven rules that students do not learn in high school or college but should. He argues that our feel-good, politically-correct teachings have created a generation of kids with no concept of reality who are set up for failure in the real world.
RULE 1 - Life is not fair; get used to it.
RULE 2 - The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself.
RULE 3 - You will not make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with a car phone, until you earn both.
RULE 4 - If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.
RULE 5 - Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping; they called it opportunity.
RULE 6 - If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
RULE 7 - Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try "delousing" the closet in your own room.
RULE 8 - Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to anything in real life.
RULE 9 - Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.
RULE 10 - Television is not real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
RULE 11 - Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one
Many thanks to Ormond Brian, Dee Chalfant, Diane Jaklitsch, Dinah Little, Steve Satterfield, and Tom Schulz who are the sources of these thoughts.